to settle down?
Ever since I came to this city to attend school, my idea was that I would date a lot of men. I dunno, it just seemed like an exciting thing to do. But it’s a year and a half and so far at school I have met two guys who have fallen in love with me. I also have fallen in love with them too, so I guess the problem is that I feel I’m only 20 years old and I don’t want to settle down. I went from one six-month relationship to the other one. The first one ended because he transferred. We never fooled around while together, but then we had to move on and call it quits.
Now my new boyfriend and I screw a lot and he is devoted and I feel the same way. But a part of me feels that I should be playing the field and screwing a lot of guys, like most of my friends. My question is this: Do you think it’s healthy for me to be in a monogamous relationship while this young or should I be out having more fun at this age?
There’s no right and wrong to being a homosexual at any age, thankfully, and you shouldn’t feel the pressure to be one way or the other. Straight people have all kinds of forces weighing on them to get married and have kids. So, there’s that idea that they have to get it out of their system and then settle down. But the same-sex marriage movement notwithstanding, when you’re gay you’ve already broken with convention and it’s all about carving it the way that’s best for you.
From the sound of it, you like exactly what you’re doing now. No one is saying that you can’t be in a relationship now, only to be single and having a ball––and getting laid like crazy ––next year, or in your 30s or 40s or beyond. Your letter is particularly interesting in light of the letter below, and only proves further that we all have vastly different perceptions of gayness, depending on our own personal idiosyncrasies and where we tend to look for love and sex.
Here you are, complaining that you can’t help but meet guys to settle down with, while others are complaining they can’t find anyone at all. In the end, it’s all about what makes you happy right now. If you hit on that, consider yourself lucky and satisfied, at least for the moment.
I’ve been an “out” gay man for nearly 25 years. I have to say, for the most part, I’m disgusted with gay men and the gay male subculture. I’ve never met a more hateful, rejecting bunch in my life. I’m a fairly masculine, outgoing, loving, passionate man. In those 25 years I’ve found it near impossible to make any real connections with other gay men. Never mind about finding love—trying to find a man as a friend is nearly impossible too. I find that most men are so shallow and superficial. Constantly rejecting each other because they are “not hot, young, full of cum, Body Adonis, or GQ.” These are the type of gays you run into constantly: men who see others as objects only to fuck or be fucked by, alcoholics, drug addicts, sexual compulsives, fetishists—“you’re too fat, too old, too white, too black, I don’t like hair, I’m only a top, I’m only a bottom, I only like to bareback, I’m not into commitments, I’m looking for no-strings attached...” etc., etc., etc.
I know, I know... If I exist, others must. But I feel I have a better chance of coming down with West Nile Virus than ever having a loving monogamous relationship. This is so sad. And the gay world is so, so pathetic.
I’d like to bitch slap the fag who came up with that Gay Pride propaganda phrase “We Celebrate Diversity.” What bullshit! Celebrate diversity my ass.
Thanks for letting me rant. I’ve included a pic. I’m not that horrible looking, yet I’m unwelcome and unwanted in the gay world.
It blows my mind how many letters I get like this, with guys like you blaming every damn thing that is wrong with their lives on the “gay subculture.”
Yes, it’s competitive, and sometimes even ruthless. And it’s sex-based and focused on physical ideals, just like—surprise, surprise—the straight singles scene!
Okay, sure, since it’s all male, the competitiveness and the sexual objectification gets pretty insane, and it can be enormously unhealthy if you let it control your life. Internalized homophobia does exploit our self-esteem as well. It’s something I’ve written on a great deal and it should be taken into perspective.
But it’s not only wrong for you to claim that a particular sexual scene is the entire gay male world. It’s also a cop-out of the highest order. It only shows that you are unable or unwilling to look elsewhere.
No, you are not horrible-looking at all––in fact, you’re quite attractive. But even if you were more average looking, there’s no reason why you couldn’t meet men. You talk about all gay men as alcoholics, drug addicts, fetishists, barebackers, etc. Jeez, one would never think that we’re one of the more accomplished minority communities, with a political movement that has come enormously far in 30 years, if we were to believe your description of us all as a bunch of losers.
As I’ve said before, you guys are looking in all the wrong places, such as online chat rooms and underground cocaine dens and nightclubs. To be blunt, you’re lazy and wallowing in self-pity. I also think you can fix things pretty damn easily by just joining gay clubs and organizations that interest you––from sports to politics to arts––and begin making new friends. The biggest impediment to your happiness right now is you.
E-mail Mike at firstname.lastname@example.org