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The Money Argument

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Gay marriages are costing somebody 700 million dollars––at least.

I’m giving you some conservative figures here, but let’s suppose––as some do––that in fact only one percent of the population is gay. The bridal industry is roughly a 70 billion-dollar business. So keeping 1percent of the population from getting married is depriving caterers, bakers, florists, jewelers, musicians and––our favorite––hard working wedding planners, away from a considerable chunk of cash. And if we add the inevitable gay divorce that could result, now lawyers can count their losses too.

Consider our reputation that we’re the kings of disposable income (or at least of disposing of our income) and that we really know how to party––our weddings will really rock: high fashion, stylish gifts, and fabulous flowers. I’m hoping that the bridal industry is taking note and shipping some high-powered lobbyist to Washington as we speak.

Sabotaging the economy by blocking such consumption is an outrage and truly anti-American. Shopping is the closest thing we have to a national religion, and anyone who opposes gay marriage is guilty of heresy.

How about gay adoptions? According to Federal Reserve Chair Allan Greenspan, our Social Security system is collapsing. Working Americans are on the verge of supporting the aging baby boomers, but the young breeders aren’t having enough babies to support us. By legalizing––and encouraging––gay families, we’ll raise more Chinese American, Guatemalan American, and Bosnian American orphans who will grow into happy––and in most cases straight––taxpayers who will support all of us––gay and otherwise––into our old age.

Now consider that raising a kid requires a lot of shopping: formula, diapers, nanny, private school, toys, braces... the next thing you know, you’ve spent $15,000 easily a year on that little sucker.

Just think of all the money that will change hands if just one percent of the population is allowed to marry and encouraged to have or adopt their own 2.5 children.

We’re talking billions of dollars––and we haven’t even tried upping the estimate to 5 percent, or ten!

Aren’t you getting goose bumps already?

So trust me on this: If love, and freedom, and justice don’t grant homosexuals the right to get married, I have the feeling that money will.

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Updated 5:17 pm, July 20, 2018
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