Congratulations, smart American shopper! You have just overcome months of electorally induced PTSD by purchasing a Li’l Orange President®! These droll, five-inch-high orange neo-fascist dudes are living genetic replicas of our current US president!
Yes, say goodbye to annoying computer viruses introduced by over-clicking on endless STOP-TRUMP petitions! Wave ta-ta to feelings of la nausée as one more protest supporting DACA goes unnoticed! Your Li’l Orange President — brought to you by trumPets®, first name in Trump-survival products! — is a nifty emotional-support animal that will help manage worries about gutted healthcare, increasing xeno- and homophobia, nuking North Korea, and the ecological demise of planet Earth! Your Li’l Orange President is an amusing neo-fascist companion that embodies our company’s scientific credo: IF YA CAN’T BEAT ‘EM — CLONE ‘EM, SHRINK ‘EM, AND SELL ‘EM AS PETS!!!
Why struggle to get through another day by minimizing your political pain, when — thanks to cutting-edge bioengineering techniques — you can minimize your president? Just follow these simple pet-care tips, and your angst will be — literally — well in hand!
Bringing Your Li’l Orange President Home
Your new Li’l Orange President is not used to being five inches tall. Neither has it ever found itself shrieking for help inside a lo mein takeout carton with air holes punched in the top. It will therefore feel a tad hostile and scream hurtful invective about your being an “animal” who should be sent to “Guantánamo.”
This is no time to get your feelings hurt. Tell your Li’l Orange President that you’re sorry it’s upset, but firmly remind it that it knew what it signed up for. Then twirl the takeout carton around your head several times until you hear comforting little retching noises.
Once you arrive home, your Li’l Orange President is sure to pester you with feisty demands to “get me outta here!” Turning off your wifi and all the lights, toss your pet inside its cage. Add a little Drano to its treat cup.
Now that your Li’l Orange President is in a contaminated environment without water or electricity, ask it to imagine that it is really in Puerto Rico, in the wake of Hurricane Maria. To show your pet just how much you care, throw it a few rolls of paper towels. Tiptoe out, giving your Li’l Orange President several days to get acquainted with its new home.
Taming Your Li’l Orange President
There is a popular myth that Li’l Orange Presidents are difficult to tame — nothing could be further from the truth! Moving slowly and quietly, so as not to startle your pet, reach into its cage and attempt to stroke its comb-over. Your Li’l Orange President will no doubt snap at you viciously.
It is now time to discipline your pet. First, force it to perform arduous domestic tasks, like sewing you a new pair of britches or planting 200 acres of cotton. Second, explain to your Li’l Orange President that, although it has been kidnapped, abused, and enslaved, there are still some very fine people on both sides. To prove your point, grasp its torso firmly between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, while gently crushing its tiny orange head with the thumb of your right hand. If your Li’l Orange President is slow to catch on, try ordering it to “take a knee.” Repeat taming process as needed.
Fun With Your Li’l Orange President
You are now ready to accessorize your pet with the exciting options offered in our trumPets holiday catalogue! Your Li’l Orange President will want to keep its claws sharp, so why not get it the tiny, slightly misshapen Crooked-Hillary Doll®? Then watch the fun as your pet maniacally tries to rip it to shreds and imprison it!
Let’s keep your Li’l Orange President in intellectual trim with the trumPets mini-iPhone-’n-mirror-set®! Watch your pet as it perches on its swing, preening itself in its mirror, while chirping out nasty little “tweets” on its toy cell! Fun and educational! Did you know how many eminent people whom you used to respect are actually “dummy-dopey-phony-lightweight-pathetic-low-class-overrated-slob-losers?” Don’t you feel smarter already?
And throw away that burglar alarm! Instead, purchase the trumPets Li’l Horde-Stopper Wall Kit®, complete with 150,000 wee cinder blocks! Your Li’l Orange President will spend happy hours stacking and restacking its “wall” — while protecting you from dangerous immigrants! If you find the trumPets price excessive, just fill out the enclosed form, asking the Mexican government to pay for it.
More pragmatic owners prefer to put their pet to work on the trumPets Hamster-Wheel-Generator® that provides “green” energy for the entire household. At the end of a hard day, just pop your Li’l Orange President into your kitchen blender for a relaxing whirlpool bath. Microwave dry.
Ridiculous urban legends abound of people who, tired of their Li’l Orange Presidents, flushed them down the toilet, where their pets grew into gigantic reptiles, returned through the Washington, DC, sewage system, and became repulsive new congressional candidates. HA HA HA! These stories are absolutely true.
If you have decided to “impeach” your pet, please do not flush. Also do not donate your pet to live bait shops, as it could introduce harmful toxins into our lakes and streams. Little orange neo-fascists really make a mess, too, if you stomp them into the ground. The most ecological thing to do is to return your pet to our trumPets laboratories. There, we will bio-engineer it into our upcoming line of Li’l White Attorney Generals®!
Remember, trumPets: First Name in Trump Survival Products. Crotch-grabbing fun!
Susie Day is the author of “Snidelines: Talking Trash to Power,” published by Abingdon Square Publishing.