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Mexicans Invade US; Trump Forced to Go Without Toothbrush

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WASHINGTON — In a daring pre-dawn raid this morning, 135 million Mexicans and Central Americans stormed over the border at El Paso, roared up Interstate 10, and broke into the White House. There, they tore President Donald J. Trump from the arms of his daughter, Ivanka, then carried him off to a makeshift detention facility alongside the Reflecting Pool at the Washington, DC, National Mall.

The president did not go quietly. “I told you liberal losers that these beano-people were invading,” Mr. Trump was heard to scream as he was held down during a body cavity search. “Maybe now you’ll listen. No way this is happening to a great looking, extremely stable genius!”

Subcomandante Jorge, leader of the 135 million interlopers, acknowledged, via Twitter, that this is indeed an invasion of the United States of America. “But what is wrong with invasions?” tweeted the Subcomandante. “After all, you Americanxs of el Norte owe the existence of your country to several of them.”

The subcomandante then tweeted a disarming photo of himself, puffing on a cigar and wearing a red “Make the Americas Indigenous Again” beret, tilted rakishly to one side. An hour later, in an interview on “The Today Show,” the subcomandante explained, “Over the centuries, we have seen that the best way to survive is to learn from you, our conquerors. You invade, enslave, exterminate, and then you say you have created a democracy. Very well. This is our turn.”

Gazing masterfully into the eyes of smitten “Today” host Savannah Guthrie, Subcomandante Jorge claimed the entire United States of America and all who dwell here for Quetzalcapitl, Mesoamerican god of settler colonialism and impulse buying. Personifying the true meaning of “presidenti­al,” the subcomandante, then ordered his troops to round up all members of the Trump administration, separate them from their children, and take them to camps for delousing.

Early reports say that most of these camps are actually former ICE detention centers, now emptied of the 54,000 migrants who had languished there for months, awaiting deportation. These migrants are now reuniting with loved ones and finding jobs and homes here in what was once the United States.

Meanwhile, back at the modern, government-approved detention centers, Trump legislators, jurists, lobbyists, and cabinet members will wait an indeterminate amount of time inside freezing compounds, under the constant glow of fluorescent lights, given rancid food and fouled water, until the arrival of their individual court dates. If a court refuses an applicant asylum, he or she will likely be shipped out of the country to work at Nike factories in Central America. The two or three detainees lucky enough to remain here will be sent to work at Amazon warehouses.

Although reporters have not been allowed inside these detention facilities, word has leaked out that Trump administration officials — reportedly including the president — are not being given soap, toothbrushes, or baths. Anonymous sources say that these conditions are deeply upsetting to Senator Mitch McConnell and Justice Brett Kavanaugh, but are being tolerated by the president himself, who is currently distracted by the “shiny coolness” of his Mylar “space blanket.”

Questioned as to the irregularity of these proceedings, former special counsel Robert Mueller took some time before answering, “You know, these goings-on probably breach about 5,000 domestic and foreign laws.”

Mr. Mueller paused for approximately nine minutes. “However, because our legal infrastructure has been eroding since Trump’s election, we haven’t really lived under the rule of law for some time now. But hey, as long as the economy’s solid and I’ve got my retirement package, life is good.”

Indeed, with the market remaining sound, most former US citizens seem largely unconcerned that the country has been seized by a foreign power.

“I know I should care about how those Trump people are forced to live in miserable places against their will, how their lives are shattered and they have no control over what happens to them, yadda yadda,” said Nancy Pelosi, former Democratic speaker of the former House of Representatives. “But this problem is too big to do much about. Wait. I have signed some online petitions to get those poor people some toothpaste.”

Questioned about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s criticizing her for approving a $4.6 billion border-funding bill without safeguards for immigrant children, Ms. Pelosi appeared defiant. “You can tell AOC for me that I double-dog-dare her to visit these camps. And I am categorically not singling her out.”

A few diehard conservatives have chosen not to go along with the new administration, which, two hours ago, declared this country to be under the dominion of a more majestic and righteous God, and has had coins minted to read, “In Quetzalcapitl We Trust.”

“Please! Won’t someone think of the president?” sobbed former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whom Mr. Trump once pardoned for criminal contempt in a racial profiling case. “He’s so orange — so innocent — so native-born! Mark my words, he tried to warn us: First they came for the Trump officials; then they came for the climate denialists; then…”

There may, in fact, be some truth to Mr. Arpaio’s predictions. Only 20 minutes ago, the new leader tweeted that there is still enough room in the detention camps for all registered Republicans and several thousand Democrats. According to legal experts, one’s safety in this country now depends on being able to prove that one was born somewhere — anywhere — else.

What happens next is anyone’s guess. The public will probably know more after a series of raids in major cities, currently scheduled to happen… any day now.

Updated 9:13 am, July 18, 2019
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